Thursday, May 19, 2011
After receiving the e-mail. I stopped my suicidal attempt and actually wanted to read what it pertained. I had received an e-mail that Agnus, Remus, and Leland have all died. I had received this disturbing e-mail from the elder of the church. I ran down to church immediately to find out what happened? We discussed how we had heard various stories of their deaths but never figured out each died and why all three died all on the same day. After I dismissed the memebers of the church I stayed and pondered on this all through the morning. I glanced up the painting of Jesus Christ on the cross. And then it made me think of Jesus's sacrfice for us. Was their deaths a sacrfice or a warning? I had no intention to think about the note but for reason it crossed my mind once more. Then it made me think of how their deaths were a sign. A sign that I could be next. I mean I was completely suicidal the night before. I had no desire to see or speak at either of their funerals. It was another depressing event of Watershed. That instant I decided to pack my bags and leave before I would die. If I didn't leave soon I felt like something bad was going to happen. As I ran home to finish my suitcase to pack my things I heard an e-mail come through on my computer but I completely ignored. I had to leave discreetly because through all this chaos of the many deaths in town I knew I had to leave quickly. Everyone was sound asleep and as I became real still I heard this endless amount of water running. It wasn't the faucet. Had it gotten that bad? So to no surprise the faucet wasn't that bad. So I stared out the window and noticed the fountain in the center of Watershed. It was beautiful. I couldn't seem to stop staring at it. As the sun began to rise its rays reflected on the fountain caused a beautiful blue glare that reflected on my window. As people began to leave their homes all dressed in black, there ran that fountain through all the darkness of clothing that surrounded it. I packed all my things. Jumped in my car and as everyone was heading toward the funerals I was heading for the train. Seeing that fountain and the deaths of Agnes, Leland, and Remus inspired to start a new beginning. Where I can find a new a job and marry the man of my dreams and I won't have to hear shit about it. I hop on the train headed North and realizind this is going to be a long ride I check my mail. I read the letter titled from Unknown and it said, "I know you are something besides a father. You are a coward. I have watched you from a far for many years now to see if all pastors are the same. I am an atheist and Andre tried to tell me they were all the same and that everyone has something to hide. And even though I do not know what you're hidding, I clearly see you running to pack your things like a coward would. You might think you're starting a new life but all you've got now is this damn e-mail, the shame you now bear to never come back to Watershed and Andre gets to pocket 20 bucks from me. Have a nice life!" I still didn't know who the letter had come from but I said there and quietly whispered, " Son of a bitch". And the man sitting across from me says " So I see you got my e-mail. It takes you forever to reply" We stared at one another with out a single word and all could say was, " The only way I could ever be mad is if it wasn't true." My stop had come and I waved goodbye to the strange passenger. And he stared at my back and I kept walking to my new life on the other side of Watershed Heights.
My rages had become more controlable. But how was I going to contain myself around Andre I now. "Oh" I thought, he is unemployed so maybe I should stop by. But then I was constantly going back and forth with myself about how I should go about this. So I decided to bring up something about the church. I looked at myself in the mirror and praticed my speech over and over again. " Andre?!. I didn't know you here. Oh yeah, I just thought I would stop bu do you have a moment?" Damn no thats not good enough. " Andre. I know a lot people were offended by my last sermon. Were you? I really need a nother opinion. You would be honest." What if he's not honest. I can think of a million things to say in the church but can't even figure out how to get through Andre's front door. I took a rest from my attempts to talk to come up with ways to talk to Andre and read all the hate mail I had recently received. There was nothing else to do and nobody was out and about it was such a rainy day. As it stormed terribly I knew that there would be nothing else to do besides read all the shitty e-mails I received. And then all the sudden my noise latched on to a very strong distinctive sweet smell. I tried to ignore it. I clicked on my inbox and there it went again that smell. Pie? I hadn't had pie in so long. I thought " what could one time hurt? " I alreadt felt overweight but I couldn't help looking foolish and dashing down to Deena's like a kid in a candy store. It seems I was not the only one to gravitate to this delicious smell of pie. It looked like everyone had gotten over my sermon from Sunday everyone greeted me as Father and not one single person mentioned to tell me how much I sucked. I was so prepared to be scrutinized but it never happened even Yames Miller and Kent Williams had good conversation to make about the delicious pie. I knew i was a fat ass but the smell of the pie entering my nose and mouth caused me to do an uncontrolable chew motion with my lips and jaw. Trying to control the urge I could no longer so I was so happy Yames had gotten his pie and I was next. I looked at the menu and glancing over a bagillion options to the menu and there stood out my favorite pie fillings: cherry, peach, and apple. Rushing to eat every bite I pulled out my wallet and payed for the pies as fast as I could. Even the receipt seemed as though it was taking ages to print. I grabbed the receipt and rushed out the door and ran home to enjoy my peach pie with ice cream. As I sat down and was about to throw my receipt away, I noticed writing on the back of the receipt. And then in an instant all my joy for pie died. " I know who you are besides the father?" What did this mean and why hadn't this person called me or why are they sending me this message. Think. THink. THINK! I was scared. I scared as hell. Nervious and ready to vomit at any moment. Now everyone would know. So instantly I waited to come back to the diner later that night. I had seen this waitress before but wasn't for sure when her shift was over? Did she even write the note? How did she write the note if she did? Then in an instant I realized anyone could have written the note on the receipt while I was fumbling through my wallet to find my cash. I knew I should have had it out already. I thought of things to say and maybe a reason to leave Watershed but what would those reasons be? Is this even that serious? I'm probably over reacting. Someone's trying to get back at me for the sermon. I knew someone was gonna bitch about it but this is quite the tactic to scare me shitless. I was sweating so hard that the fingerprints from my thumbs were making the receipt soggy. My heart literally beated through my throat and I was taking in every little breath. First at 12 I was going to run down to the diner and hopefully see the waitress there. That was my only hope. I stared at the clock so hard that I was not going to leave from its sight until midnight. After dosing off for about an hour I noticed it was 12:05 a.m. Shit. I rushed. I left my robe and any clothing I had on went with me including my house shoes. As I entered the diner nervously, I asked one of the waitresses where their co-worker might be. I had no idea of her name but were able to describe her intensively. The waitress looked at me extremely puzzled. Like I had described a total stranger. " You know the girl that had extremely light eye shadow, a gap between her front two teeth, skinny, deep blue eyes anf bitten nails." I was able to say the part the bitten nails because I had focused so hard on that receipt so I could get to my pie. The waitress had nothing to say. " Try tomorrow hun, maybe she's around and I am unfamiliar with your description" But I had described her perfectly. After calming down I knodded in aggrement and walked out. My journey home felt like miles and when I got home I said I would give a couple more days and see if anything would come about and then react. I never went to sleep and layed there in my bed until my alarm went off at 7:30 a.m. This was the only thing that could distract of my love from Andre because it was the absolute focus above anything of that day. And then that stupid faucet that dripped all night, began to look more appeasing to the eye. As I sat there and closed the drain to the sink, I saw the water pour and flow over the top of the sink. I was ready to go. I would rather be with God than endure all the shame from the people of Watershed. Moving seemed like a better idea but as I thought about it, my pastoral pay was not enough to support a new home. I closed my eyes and was slowing preparing to dunk my head into the sink when suddenly an e-mail notification appeared on my laptop.
I AM A FOOL. How could I possibly let myself have these feelings. Through my ballsy sermons and uncontrollable sinful daydreams I know that now my secret will only be a secret for a short time. What the hell was wrong with me? A pastor is not supposed to feel the wat I do I feel un clean and unpurified. I prayed, locked in my room, for about 2 hours straight but even God could not keep my thoughts from drifting in prayer. I began to cry and yet still I could escape the damn thought of sin. All the sudden I stopped and noticed how depressed I had looked in the mirror and said to myself, " Fuck it. In the words of my lord father God I am what I am." and thats all I can be. So my love for Andre was no longer just an attraction to his cry for help but I had serious deep passionate love for everything about him. In my ability to admit just that to myself, whether he felt the same, I knew I was finally comfortable to just think of him and only him. Now I had something to live for besides waking up every day and being couped up in 321writing sermons and preaching to hypocritical christians was not what I wanted from life. All I need was love and whether it is her or him I knew that this kind of happy feeling with my stomach full of butterflies could not be of Gods utter digust of me but of my reward to be happy. Isn't that what we all really want. Though my love is still to be kept discreet, now I know that when Andre feels the way that I do, we will leave this town and never turn back. So my job to write sermons was no longer. Now I know my only purpose in life is to win Andre.... but how?
" Life is full of sin. Well... look at all of us. We stand before our God as sinners and he continues to love us unconditionally from his son's blood." Everyone began to scream and shout and nod at every ending word. " There are molesters, gays, bisexuals, and even rapist that are God's children. We even have abusive mothers and fathers that go through life everyday harming their children but God never turns his cheek." Silence. There was no enthusiasm or shouting with praise all that people looked toward me was cringed faces and puzzled eyes. " We are God's children. All of us and yet we sin and he still loves us." All the people looking down, I could tell this messasge protained to them because their heads hung down of much shameness. All the elderly had their hands tightly gripped on their canes and wheelchairs because they were looking for the right opportunity to through something at me. But for some reason I did not care. Once again, Kaleena just stared deeply in my eyes with a huge grin on her face trying not to show her teeth. I wanted the congregation to know all that I felt and by me saying absolutely everything they wanted to hear would not be doing my service to God. Andre began to look at me almost as if he wanted to cry but he wanted to keep his masculinity in front of his kids and wife. That's when I knew right then and there. Just saying those three important points to my sermon I had accomplished my objective for this Sunday. To make Andre feel the passion of my words. All I had to do was galance at Andre and I knew that all the shit I would get from the others and Kaleena's obsessive smile towards me meant nothing in a room full of people. The room filled with hundred's was only between me and Andre and something told me deep down, he felt the same. The next day I received hundreds of calls and e-mails. My inbox was flooded with serveral enraged members and my door was beaten down by all the residents on my floor. This time the faucet was of no use. That damn Vivian Mooney was beating the hell out of my door with complaint. God damn that woman had an arm. I knew exactly what I could do this time. I could day dream but about what? I am sure it will be about Him.
I was writing the next sermon as I sat in church and for some reason I could not stop the urge of thinking about Andre as I wrote my sermon out. It was something that attracted me to his ways. The evil I saw was what made me even more certain of how I wanted to pursue the life of Andre. As my sermon began to get longer I knew I was going to incorporate some kind of message in relation to Andre since he sits in the first row. I know that he sees me see him and something told me he notices me as I stand behind the pulpit. In a distance I have noticed Kaleena, though she is some what strange in her stares at me. Every person in the congregation has a certain look. They look at me if they are hanging on my every word, or those that stare but are really thinking of work or how the minute they step out of this room they do not have to follow a damn thing the bible says because no one is looking, but that Andre. Something about him seemed a bit more sincere, and through his look of sincerety I know deep down that we are connected. Spritually ofcourse.
Friday, May 13, 2011
I am terribly starving. After long nights of thinking what to say for my next sermon I decided that it is past due to nice cooked meal that I have longed to receive for years. When I walk around town I am like Watershed's celebrity and they are the paparazzi that love to follow and snap shots except Watershed people love to barge me with hundreds of questions and before I can sit down and have a quick cup of coffee, relaxing day off has turned into a six hour conversation with Andre about how God is so great and how he knows that things will change for him. I always look at him and say of course they will. Do you believe in the Father God, his son who died for our sins, and the holy spirit?" .Andre just stares. "Then he shall set you free from the beastly burdens that you bear" Andre gives me this huge glare in his eye of relief, and I feel good to give him such relief but all my advice still does not seem to change his actions. After many hours of staying up all night and drinking coffee I decide to head to Dina's Diner at around 2:45 a.m. I walk in as everyone says,'' Pastor Dan?!" "It is late, I am much aware but I was feeling hungry and decided I needed a nice cooked meal. Do y'all happen to have those delicious Pork Chops with hash browns smothered in cheese and ham that I remember so vividly." Those were some damn good pork chops, hell, I could still remember the mouthwatering taste they gave me from 3 years ago when I just started out on my independent journey of becoming a priest and having that red highlighter I would use to get passages from the bible and jot down notes in my composition book. As I sat there and waited for my meal I noticed someone by the name of Yames Miller. He is one of the residents I have spoken the least to in Watershed. As I looked at him when he got his meal I knew he was very disturbed. As I received my meal and was about to take the biggest bite I could, I was so in love with the meal that I was taken back to my vivid memories of coming in Deena's Diner everyday and taking big bites of out the Porked Chops with Cheese Smothered Hashbrown. As I began to depart from my inner experience of enjoyable foods. The man with the cut hand that on the other side was walking in a distance with the waitress in panic behind him. I knew it was not my place so I just sat down and enjoyed the meal I had been waiting for for a very long time.
Friday, March 25, 2011
My faucet drips all through the night. I knew I should have called the nearest plumber in town but for some reason I can never seem to reach for the nearest yellow pages and call. I think because an annoyance is the one thing that soothes me through the night. As I woke at 7:30 I realized there were sounds of emergency vehicles and much catastrophe happening outside Watershed Heights. Even though I could tell this hell of a mess was no problem of mine, when you give yourself over to Christ as a pastor every problem in the world becomes your own. Every single person becomes my problem. When you are demanded to be with a family when they have lost a loved one or a husband and wife having marital problems, as much as I enjoy my job it is greatly overwhelming at many times. I listen and I listen carefully. All the situations different but all the questions are the same."Father? What should I do? What is God trying to tell me?" I answer every question and they treat me as though I am God. I am not your God I am your pastor, a messenger of the Lord. I give inspirational advice and read from passages that relate to those seeking hope. Any hope. When I stare and listen to the faucet water every five minutes dripping slowly I stare and listen because although it seems to just drip as any annoying faucet would, I find counsel and meditation in it. Through all the madness and sin of Watershed Heights, As the loud sirens of the police cars quickly rushing by and Andre yelling at his kids constantly on the floor below as he swears and curses at them until all the filthiness of his words has run out, I stare at the faucet and can hear its drips become louder over all the madness. Although I am living life, meaning I have a heart and can inhale and exhale oxygen through my lungs, I find all the subtle things in life to cling to so I can be here and be somewhere else. Now this is not the case of ADD or any other similar disfunctional disorder. Everyone in church seeks comfort in me, and I have to seek comfort in someone other than myself. We're you hoping i would say God. He's there and he hears me but I know that he is watching my me holding me higher than the rest knowing that I should not be up there everyday spreading his word. I know he will find out, but as long as I do not tell him then he will never know my secret in my mind. When I see Andre in the first row I stare at him knowing that there is a lonely poor soul that weeps deep within. He comes to church every Sunday. He appears to be a dedicated church goer but something does not seem to be in his favor. Sometimes the devil can be right in your face but that does not mean that you can see him plain as day. He wears a disguise such as the one Andre wears everyday he comes to church. Andre is not the Devil, but the Devil is surrounding him. His anger toward his children make it inevitable that something is not right. I guess my congregation is hoping that I will not hear whats being said behind these walls but I can hear every peep of a word