THE CERTAINTY OF LOVE

I AM A FOOL. How could I possibly let myself have these feelings. Through my ballsy sermons and uncontrollable sinful daydreams I know that now my secret will only be a secret for a short time. What the hell was wrong with me? A pastor is not supposed to feel the wat I do I feel un clean and unpurified. I prayed, locked in my room, for about 2 hours straight but even God could not keep my thoughts from drifting in prayer. I began to cry and yet still I could escape the damn thought of sin. All the sudden I stopped and noticed how depressed I had looked in the mirror and said to myself, " Fuck it. In the words of my lord father God I am what I am." and thats all I can be. So my love for Andre was no longer just an attraction to his cry for help but I had serious deep passionate love for everything about him. In my ability to admit just that to myself, whether he felt the same, I knew I was finally comfortable to just think of him and only him. Now I had something to live for besides waking up every day and being couped up in 321writing sermons and preaching to hypocritical christians was not what I wanted from life. All I need was love and whether it is her or him I knew that this kind of happy feeling with my stomach full of butterflies could not be of Gods utter digust of me but of my reward to be happy. Isn't that what we all really want. Though my love is still to be kept discreet, now I know that when Andre feels the way that I do, we will leave this town and never turn back. So my job to write sermons was no longer. Now I know my only purpose in life is to win Andre.... but how?